out like trout

Well, I wrote the email to my boss. I told him my decision. In not so many words, I let him know how I felt. I told him that throughout this tough year, I always worked my hardest at my job. I told him I had proved myself and worked hard for him and the company, and that I just had too much pride in myself to take the demotion. I asked for one more shot at the test... and he said no.

He basically explained that he tried to fight for me. That he wanted to give me another chance, but it was out of his hands. He then went on to tell me what a pleasure it has been working with me and that he wishes me all of the best in the future.

After reading the final exchange of emails, I finally thought to myself... I can do this. No matter what happens now, I can't look back.

Yesterday, I spent most of my day cleaning. I mean... gutting. Drawers, closets, cabinets. I am just trying to organize so that I can make new energy in here. So I can feel better about being home. Almost like I have to be busy at every moment to keep myself from feeling like I should be elsewhere.

I ended up working at the restaurant last night, and got a visit from Gina and Aaron. I recruited Gina to come with me at the crack of dawn this morning to get my things at the office. She rolled out of bed and let me pick her up at 6:15 am, still in her pajamas. We went into the office like a S.W.A.T. team and bagged all of my stuff in about six minutes.

I had a hat on and tried my best to get out of there without seeing anyone, but of course bumped into two co-workers. One, this woman named Patty who was not my favorite, but was surprisingly emotional to see me go. The other, Bo, one of the most incredible people I have ever met. She was the Nurse on my team, and I had confided in her a lot through my health scare. She is one person that I will miss a great deal. When she saw me, she started crying immediately and hugged me, saying, "Come back here... please come back..."

I left my fob key on my boss's desk. Left a jeans day certificate on my friend Sil's desk. I even left my $230 parking permit for someone, hoping it could be sold so I could get the money back.

Once I was in the elevator with Gina, and all of my boxes, I realized it was the last time that I would be riding that elevator. It felt strangely good. It was only when I got to the car and pulled out of the garage that I felt that familiar pang of panic. Just for a moment.

So now, I am keeping myself busy. I am off to do laundry (no more dropping it off to Esmarelda, due to new budget reasons), hit the gym, and clean out the bathroom and walk-in closet. (My friend Charo, who is a budding interior designer has big and cheap plans for helping me redesign the apt.) Then this evening I am finally going to see the Sex and the City movie with Stephanie. Ironically, I have two free movie tickets that I won as an award at work for doing outstanding service for a client. Go figure.