I woke up today at five a.m. I had a horrible, awful dream involving my little brother. It was so realistic that I was afraid to go back to sleep, for fear that it would repeat itself. So, I rolled out of bed and hopped on the computer for a while.
There is something nice about being up that early. I had time to spare. I wasn’t rushing to get in the shower or hurrying through my makeup. I just put on some soft music and curled up on the computer chair, distracting myself on Facebook and MySpace.
Today is my first day back in the office. I came in to 768 emails. I am trying not to watch the clock, but all I am doing is glancing down and wondering what I can do to make time move faster. I got to work and was bombarded with hugs, smiles and questions. It really put into prespective that I was back to reality.
It just isn’t fitting anymore. I’m sitting here at this desk realizing that I am wasting away my life behind a computer every single day. It’s the treadmill of a job that I am stuck on. And I am so bored with it.
I don't want to spend my life doing what I am supposed to do, only to wake up one day and find that I let all of these years go by waiting for it to happen...
I know I am on the brink of a big change, because I can feel it. I feel different. I feel peaceful, confidant and calm. (Also, I’ve made an appointment to chop of my locks on Saturday and that is always a sign that I have had an emotional break of some kind.)
Maybe I am a little travel sick? I’ve just road tripped all over Africa and now my outlook has changed. I did have a small epiphany one night as we were driving in the jeep, watching the sunset over Shamwari. I kept saying to myself, “I want to make my life worth something.” Somehow, sitting behind a desk pushing a pencil just isn’t making it happen.
I think that I want to quit my job. It sounds so vulgar to “quit” something. I should say- I want to move on. Try something else. If I went full time at the restaurant, that would free up my days to take a few classes and get myself started. I’ve done enough waiting for the right time, and I don’t think that there ever is one. Life is too short to not go after what it is that makes us feel truly fulfilled and worthwhile.
My Mom always used to tell me, “You are going to make such a difference in peoples’ lives when you grow up.” I am waiting to figure out what that is. I keep asking God to send me some signs.
I was joking with B the other night, over a few Castle beers, asking him if he would be patient with all of the things I will be trying along the way. I said to him, “You know… I think I may wear many hats in this lifetime. I could see myself as a writer, a cook, a teacher, a nutritionist, a photographer, a massage therapist…I think I might have to try all of them just to figure it out.” He just sighed and said, “I don’t doubt that you will, baby, and I will be here for the ride.”
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