"don't be a salmon..."

So, I spent my entire weekend contemplating my choice.

On Friday night, after spending what seemed like six hours on the phone with Brian, crying, hyperventilating and having a pity party for myself, I decided to put on some make-up and my favorite skirt and flip flop across the street to Aaron and Gina's for dinner.

G did it up as usual. She welcomed me with open arms and then proceeded to get me hammered off of two bottles of wine and fill my belly with her amazing home cooked delights. She made us roasted chicken, baked with strips of bacon on the skin for flavor and stuffed with tons of garlic cloves. Then Parmesan crusted zucchini, yellow squash and roasted potatoes. Finished up with her blueberry cobbler topped with vanilla ice cream. It was heaven.

After dinner, I walked home alone, to an empty apartment. I sat in bed pretty drunk, watched some television, and somehow drifted off to sleep. In the morning, I woke up with the shock of it all. Sort of like the day after a break-up, when you realize that its all over. That empty, sick feeling inside.

So, I jumped in the car, and headed to see my Auntie Kim. There's nothing quite like a drastic haircut to get yourself in gear for a major life change. That, and a talk with your family members sure can set yourself straight.

I had a two o'clock appointment with her, and pulled into M-Town around 12. So, I stopped to see my Dad. I had to go through this entire dilemma with him, only because I knew he would say everything I didn't want to hear, and I needed to hear it. So, we sat and talked over a few Rolling Rocks. At first, Dad told me that I can do anything, and to take the demotion and work through it. Then I told him exactly what the demotion meant. That I would go from being a team Senior, in a pretty important leadership type of role, to not even being on the team. I would be considered "inexperienced" and if I even passed the exam, I would have to wait six months before applying for another position. I couldn't get my job back.

He paced a bit. He mulled it over. And then he looked at me, and said, "Honey... if you do this, you have to make sure to use this free time to your advantage. It's time to go after what you've always wanted to do. Then, with his fist banging on the counter, he emphasized the following words to me, "You can't be a salmon. A salmon swims upstream, flapping around, and makes things harder for themselves. You have to be a trout. Go with the flow of things now." He then went on to tell me that it is a good thing that I don't want to take the demotion, because that means that I have pride in me. "And without pride," he continued, "you have nothing."

I then spent time talking it over with my Mom, who I knew would not want me to stay in the job. It was just so important to me, to talk this over with her, too. I wanted to know that I was making an appropriate choice. Mom looked at me and said, "You are going to pack up your things, and go. You can do anything you want in this world, and you will make a difference elsewhere."

My decision was already made at that point, but it was important to me that I touch base with the two people in the world that taught me right from wrong. I wanted to know their outlook on things.

It's funny how much my decision making has changed. It's now become something that I do with Brian. It's all about what my husband and I decide. We make choices together. I wouldn't even decide to get in the car and drive an hour to the beach without letting him know first. It's really not for anything more than a mutual respect for each other.

So, I've decided to cut my losses and go. Friday was my last day at the office. I told my boss this morning in a long-winded email, reminding him that I have worked so hard for that place and that I simply couldn't find it in me to demote myself. I did ask one last time to try that retarded test again. I know he will decline, but that will be alright with me at this point. As B said, "What happens next is meant to be. We will work it out no matter what."

So now, I am just waiting for the fallout. And the perfect time to go and get my stuff and do the walk of shame.