"this is the tree and this is the apple. not too far away, are they?"

Oh, it’s on like donkey kong. The wedding fever has seriously hit the fan now. We have officially one month and seven days left. My stress level is pretty rough at this point. It fluctuates day to day.

Yesterday, I was completely level headed all day. Got some good things accomplished at work, and was in a delightful mood for most of the afternoon… Until I got a phone call from my Mom asking me about the food choices I made for the wedding. Asking, “When are you tasting it? What are the sides like?” Etc. Perfectly logical questions. We were talking on the phone while I was driving, in traffic, to my second job which I was late for. And suddenly… I hit the friggin’ roof! I could feel my blood pressure rising and before I knew it I was just being nasty and loud. I really didn’t even know what I was saying to her, other than calling her a “Momzilla” and other not so affectionate things, that ended with her hanging up on me and wishing me good luck. I think she was about ready to strangle me.

I then went to work at the restaurant in a huge huff. (Can’t say many of my patrons must have enjoyed me last night.) After a few hours, Brian came barreling in to tell me what an asshole I am, and to get on the phone and work it out with my Mom. He had to remind me what an amazing help she has been to us, and that I need to check myself. He reminded me how she really is one of the only people that have stepped up to the plate and really taken a load of stress off of us. You know, B is really the only person that can say one sentence to me and make me shut up. His points are always well made and well taken. It really woke me up. I knew all of these things all ready, I just for some reason chose her to yell at. And I felt really bad about it. Like… yucky, horrible, why would anyone want anything to do with me kind of bad.

As soon as he gave me my well-deserved guilt trip, I called my Mom and attempted to apologize to her. I will admit it, one of my biggest flaws is that I am terrible at saying I am sorry. For some reason, I avoid saying sorry at all costs. I used to be in a relationship where I said sorry for every little thing, and I wonder sometimes if that is why I don’t say it anymore. I don’t like being wrong. Most times, if I am wrong, I convince myself that I am right, and try to justify it even if it’s completely ridiculous. It’s the most stubborn part of me but I am working on it.

Anyway, my Mom and I are okay now. Thank God! I don’t realize that without her, I’d really be lost in all the madness. But she forgave me, just like a good Mommy does. Last night, I had a brief panic attack realizing that if she left me to my own defenses with the wedding, there probably wouldn’t be one. I didn’t sleep at all last night. Now, as just punishment I am stuck with a seriously bad hair day and I don’t know what the hell I have on for an outfit, but I look stupid.

Tonight I am planning on re-grouping with a bottle of wine and some really good sushi. I am going to eat it on my new sushi plates, with matching chopsticks and coordinating napkins and placemats just like Mommy taught me. Sigh.