mi dispiace

I had an incredible weekend. It was my bachelorette party, and seriously I haven’t belly laughed that hard in a long time. It was truly one of my favorite parts of being a bride-to-be. The weekend was filled of fun and debauchery and laughter. There is nothing like having a group of your favorite women drunk off of champagne dancing with without a care in the world. I have pictures that will last a lifetime.


It’s such a good feeling knowing that you have friends. True friends that support and love you through all times in your life. When I was looking around the table at dinner, I was just sort of watching everyone interact. It made me think to myself how each woman at the table was part of a different time in my life. Whether happy, sad, turbulent, joyous, or terrible. They were all part of me becoming who I am right now.

I am in a bit of a slump today. There was someone that really wanted to be a part of my night that I mistakenly over looked. They expressed to me how sad and hurt they were that they didn’t get an invitation. I truly made an oversight by not asking her to come. Some part of me didn’t think that she would want to come, but I was wrong. It’s now put me in a predicament where I have hurt someone and it was completely unintentional. Really, all that I can do is apologize because I can’t do it over again.

Which leads me to my next thought… There are times where I fear that I am going to regress. That I am going to go back to that person in my past that I have tried so hard to erase. Like, when I was seventeen making bad decisions and being irresponsible. Not thinking about anyone but myself, and forgetting to appreciate those that love me the most.

Sometimes when I am driving to work, I think to myself, “What if I don’t show up today?” or “What if I just keep driving and turn around and go back home?” Really, those feelings scare me. I remember having times in my life where I didn’t care about anyone. It was just about me and my issues and my next drink or night out partying. I got drunk alone. I made such a mess out of myself... one day worse than the next. I had no idea what I was doing. In the meantime, I lost a lot of friends. I neglected my family and did not spend time with the people that I love the most. Those are days that I can never get back.

I have worked so hard to suppress those feelings of guilt and regret. I’ve tried to move on from the old days, and tell myself that I love myself just the way that I am. That all those things happened for a reason, and that I am exactly where I am meant to be.

I’ve tried to be acutely aware of my actions, and spend extra time concentrating on my family and friends. Tried to do and say the right thing hoping they would forget the hurt I’ve caused in the past. It’s crazy how a mistake as small as this can send me spiraling out of control on a wave of old, dusty guilt.

A lot of the women at the table that night know all about this time in my life. They were part of it. They watched me survive it and still love me anyway. The person that I left out unintentionally is also one of the people that helped me get through my darkest of days, and should have been there to wish me off on my new life.

So, my heart hurts today. I made a mistake and have stung someone with my airhead actions. There isn’t much I can do but say… I’m sorry….
And try and keep my head up and welcome my mistakes, so that I can learn to forgive myself. And move on.