Last night, I had a dream that I was back in Florence. I dreamt that I was there with Brian. I made an excuse to spend some time alone, and told him that I had to go and get my nails done. It was like I had to sneak away from him. I could feel in my heart that I felt like I was doing something wrong. That I was searching for a time in my life that he wasn’t in, and wanted to keep it to myself.
Suddenly, I was walking on my own. I found myself wandering up and down the cobblestone streets of the city. I was searching for familiar faces in all of the people that walked by me. It looked so different. Seven years had gone by, and no one recognized me. I walked down a long hallway that led me to the Piazza della Repubblica. I glanced around smelling the familiar aromas of fresh espresso and listening to the languid tones of Italian being spoken all around me. I was standing right in the middle of the piazza, and did a 360 degree turn. I saw the door to my school that I spent hours at. I saw the balconies that I used to hang over, and spy on people below while smoking my cigarettes. I glanced over to the Café Giubbe Rosso where where I had my first authentic Italian cappuccino and a warm chocolate croissant. My eyes looked over to the "secret" café where Maurizio used to take me. We would sit and drink incredible hot chocolate and talk for hours. The vendor stand with the warm chesnuts in the winter. The carousel where I had my first kiss of many kisses, in that romantic city. I remember feeling heartbroken in the dream. As I looked around, I was sad like I was grieving for something I could never get back. Like it was a part of me.
As I turned to walk back, I heard a voice from behind me. “Ciao, Morgan! La mia Farfallina.” It was my long lost friend, Maurizio. I turned and asked him, “How did you know it was me after seven years?” And he replied, “I just did.” I looked at him and he looked terrible. Aged and sick. Like the life had been taken out of him. His eyes weren't blue anymore, either. I couldn’t help but think maybe it was me that did that to him. In the dream, he was speaking English, not Italian. There was so much I wanted to say to him. I asked him if he wanted to grab some lunch or a glass of wine. And he said, “We both know that we can’t do that. You are a married woman now. Your husband is waiting for you.” So we hugged and we went on our separate ways.
As soon as I turned from him, I broke into a run to get back to Brian. Like I was running for my life or that I was afraid he wasn’t going to be there when I got to him. I remember rushing back to tell him why I had disappeared. That I had to go back to look at Firenze with my new eyes. The eyes of a married woman reflecting on that girl she was from many years ago. Trying to explain how my heart will always be in that city.
And then I woke up. Dazed, confused… and a little bit heartbroken for that time in my life that feels like so, so long ago.
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