"Are we not like two volumes of one book?"

Mom left last night. She came into the restaurant to have dinner with Brian. We said our goodbyes there. I didn't think I'd feel the way I did. I stood there staring at her as she left. She kept turning to wave at me. I felt like a little kid being left at day care. In my head, I was playing out that scene in Gia, when Angelina Jolie hangs onto her mother for dear life and screams her head off, begging her not to leave her there.

After she walked out the door, I turned around and went back to work. I fought tears and had that knot in the back of my throat. I just kept swallowing it away. When I got home last night, the house felt strangely empty without her.

Yesterday, Mom and I went back to the driving range for my second lesson. I really loved it. I think I might have a knack for it. Afterward, we had lunch and watched General Hospital.
(We had to rush home to see it because yesterday was the day that Kate was to find out that her fiancee Sonny had wild sex in the back of a limo with his ex-wife, Carly.)

On Wednesday, we took a harbor cruise in the city which was fantastic. We really enjoyed it. It was a seventy-five minute cruise which included Ellis Island, the Statue of Liberty and the Brooklyn Bridge. It was a perfectly clear day. When Mom caught sight of the Statue, she immediately teared up. I was standing up taking some pictures. When I looked down and saw how emotional she was, it struck me that I was looking at the Statue for the first time, too. And the tears came. We laughed at how silly we are... and how alike we are... It was a great day.

I'm sitting here alone, in a Queen Helene Mint Julep Masque, thinking about the time we spent together. The apartment is spotless and my fridge is full of good food. I feel lonely today. I know that I am not alone, but today I feel it.

For some reason, I am afraid when I am on my own. My thoughts race about things that could happen to me or people that I love. I find myself keeping so busy so that I don't have time to think about what frightens me. While Mom was here, I never had those thoughts or fears. Maybe because she makes me feel more safe. Like nothing can happen to you when your Mom is around.

Brian makes me feel safe and taken care of. But in a different way. He makes me feel safe because we are in this together but it also reminds me that I now have a responsibility of taking care of him, too.

Mom just takes care of me. I don't have to worry about taking care of her, I just follow her lead. And when she isn't here to give me direction on what to do next, I feel lost. Like a little girl waiting to go back to her parents house.