what do i want?

I’ve got lots to say today. Ever feel like no one is listening? Like you’re standing in a crowded room, screaming at the top of your lungs and no one can hear you? I feel like that a little. I really want to jump in my car, sunroof open and drive to preferably Port Jefferson, NY and get into trouble with Alison. Sit by the water, and drink too much and end up dancing on barstools at Port Jazz. I am getting restless lately. I’m not liking the weight of the world at the moment. I’m feeling a little squished, a little covered in bull sh*t. I’m sick of this job, sick of the treadmill of my day to day life. I need a little adventure. This trip can’t come fast enough.

Oh… and another thing. I’m on a really short fuse lately. I’m getting tired of playing the nice girl, of letting people walk all over me. I am wondering if you can just decide to be a b*tch, even though you haven’t ever really had good practice at it. I mean, I am actually very good at telling people off when I am doing it in front of the mirror in my bathroom. Or even in the shower, while I am shaving my legs. I can tell people where to go and what to do while they are there! But in the real world, I just keep my mouth shut and let it roll over me. And the few times I actually open my mouth to tell someone, “Hey! That’s f*cked up what you just did. I’m mad at you!” It comes back to me tenfold. Then I get covered with guilt from the confrontation, wondering if I am just a big spoiled brat.

Right now, I just want to walk out of here and go eat some pasta at some swanky restaurant and then wake up in the morning and stay home. I hate working. I’d rather read books all day, clean my apartment and do laundry. Write poetry. Take yoga classes. Work in a garden. Bake cute things and get praises on how good they taste. Set tables with fancy linens and have dinner parties. Make culinary creations that make people convinced that I am truly a domestic goddess. Seriously? Stay at home Moms have got the gig of a lifetime, as far as I am concerned. I hope I get the chance to try it out.

I don’t know… its just time to try something new. I'm needing some serious inspiration. I really have to try and figure out what it is that I am looking for. I've tried everything, right down to reciting Deepak Chopra's affirmations every day. I wish it would just drop on me like a piano out of a four-story window. What on earth am I here to do in this life?