"...just like lana turner."

My Grandfather passed away on Wednesday. It’s been a really rough week, to say the very least. Since it happened, I have sort of been walking around in a daze. Going through the motions, and getting things done like I am supposed to.

The most difficult thing about all of this is that he won’t be able to come to my wedding. It’s really hard to watch my Mom and my Aunt so broken up. They have lost their Father. I can’t imagine what that feels like inside, and I certainly can’t imagine it happening to me the week before my daughter’s wedding. It is exactly a week away.

I am trying to keep my head on straight. I am trying my best to be excited and thrilled about the wedding. But in the back of my mind, I can’t help but feel guilty for wishing that this didn’t happen. It almost feels wrong to be so thrilled for my wedding day, when this has happened.

I am trying not to call my Mom for help with the final wedding things. I’ve even stopped bothering my Aunt, so that I can try and do it all myself. To let them rest, to keep them calm.

These are the two most important women in my life, and they have just lost a parent. I’m not very good at the whole death thing. I mean, who is? But seriously, I am a novice at it and am not very good at saying or doing the right thing.

I just listen to my Mom. I listen to her cry about holding her Father’s hand while he was visiting with her for his last hours, and I just can’t help but feel so much hurt in my heart for her. What do you say to him? What do you say to let him know you loved and adored him?

The last time I saw my Grandfather was about three weeks ago. I hadn’t seen him in a couple of years, because our relationship had become distant. I moved to New York, and honestly, he wasn’t very good at keeping up with the communication. Sure, I could have done better with it, too. Looking back at it now, I wish I tried harder.

I had gotten the phone call that he really was not doing well. His health was failing, and his memory was also diminishing. So, I went to see him.

I was pretty reluctant to go and see him. I guess out of nerves, and out of the fear of the unknown. I wasn’t sure if he would know who I was, since it had been a few years. When I saw him for the first time, his eyes lit up, and he said, “Morgan! I have been waiting to see you.” He hugged me and kept his hand on my back for a while, hanging on to me. Kind of like he didn’t want me to leave. He remembered Brian, and complimented him on how healthy he looked. We had a great visit. He certainly had his sense of humor left.

At the end of the visit, he looked at me and said, “I really want to be at your wedding. And if I can be, I will be there.” It broke my heart. I said, “I know you will be, Grandpa. I know you wouldn’t miss it.”

As we were saying our goodbyes, he leaned over to me and said, “I know these people say that I have met you before, but I am not entirely sure. Just so you know, I think that you are stunning. Just like Lana Turner.” I replied, "What a charmer! You know, you are pretty handsome, yourself."

I kissed him for the last time on the cheek, and grinned as I walked out the door. I felt a bit of peace for being able to be with him once more, and to see him smile.

Now, it is time to say my goodbyes and to be strong for my family. I am going to be doing a reading at the Funeral Mass on Tuesday, and I want to make sure that I have my best Lana Turner appearance for it.

I love you, Grandpa…