Would You Like To Swing on a Star?

There are times when I sit and think to myself that time is flying by in front of my eyes. I stare at myself in the mirror and remember times when I small, staring into the same eyes and wondering what it would be like when I was older, wiser and on my own.

Some days I would give anything to go back in time. Back to the days where I was lip synching to Madonna in my full length mirror and reading Teen Beat magazines. To the times when Mom would brush my hair before school and I would wear a homemade puffy paint t-shirt with matching head bows and sneakers. The times when my biggest burden was that I was the only one in the neighborhood still on training wheels. Or that Ashley got the prettiest Barbie to play with as we were lying on my basement floor for hours, reenacting scenarios that we overheard on General Hospital that day.

Being in a grown-up world isn’t what I thought it would be. There are ups and downs, and pluses and minuses that I never thought that I would encounter. I guess that is the result of living a childhood so heavily protected from the outside world of injustice and strife. I had parents that let me only believe that the world is good and kind. My childhood was full of good memories and times of laughter until my belly hurt. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I remember wanting the time to rush by so that I could get my license and drive a car. So that I could be able to be on my own, not answer to anyone or have to ask before making a major decision. What I would give to have some of that guidance back. Sure, my parents are still there to call on for advice. My mother-in-law is also a huge sense of support for me. But when it comes down to it, I am on my own now. The little girl that kicked her feet to Kiss 108 in the back of her mother’s car is long gone…

I can see things changing around me. It frightens me because I don’t like that I notice life is passing me by. I heard the other day that my little cousin was turning seven and I started to well up with tears, remembering him snuggling in my arms when he was no bigger than a football. I bumped into two girls that I babysat when they were young, that are now Juniors in High School and I said that dreaded line, “Wow. I feel old.” A friend said to me recently, “Can you believe that was eight years ago?” And it made me cringe. It just makes me want to stomp my foot and stop the clock. I want to be like Evie on “Out of This World” when she could put her two index fingers together and stop time.

I had a moment of clarity last weekend. We were back in Milford, visiting family. Our car was packed up and it was time to leave. I was standing in my father’s kitchen when I could feel a sense of panic creeping up the back of my throat. The tears stung in my eyes and I was doing everything I could to hold it together. My husband could sense my tension, and looked right into my eyes as if to say, “What is wrong?!” For some reason, I just didn’t want to leave. I didn’t want to go anywhere but right there. I wanted to stay so that my Dad could tell me it would all be okay. That I didn’t need to go back to New York, or work, or pay bills or be a big girl anymore. I could just hold his hand and he’d make it okay.

Soon enough, I was back in the car on the way home. The tears spilled over and I felt like that little, vulnerable girl again. My husband held my hand and felt my fear and soothed me until I felt better. It’s okay to get caught up in a moment of anxiety as long as we remember to go back to the place where everything is beautiful again. I'm going to be okay in this big girl world.