pennies from heaven

I lost my grandmother almost six years ago. Lately, she’s all that I am thinking about.

As I was putting together some of the lists for the shower, I realized that I will see her sister, Aunt Lucy this weekend. It is the closest physical picture of her that I have in plain day. I can see my Grandmother in her face and in the way she speaks. I can't wait to see her.

Before my Grandma Esther died, I had never lost anyone so close to me. I didn’t know what it was like to say goodbye. I didn’t know how it really felt to have someone erased out of your life, with nothing left but your favorite memories of them.

What frightens me is that I forget the sound of her voice. If I think hard enough, I can see her face in front of me. The lines of detail have faded, however. I can still see her vibrant smile and smell her perfume. When people talk about her, I perk up. I could talk about her for hours. I just want to know more about her. I want to keep trying to remember my favorite things about her.

The woman that lives next door to us wears her scent. Sometimes, it is still in the air when I am walking in the halls of the building. It gives me that gut wrenching feeling of longing but also seems to put a smile on my face.

I find myself talking to her a lot. Sometimes I feel guilty, because I do it when I am scared. I do it when I feel like no one is listening, or I am feeling really lost. I just call out to her and ask her to help me “just one more time” and something always shifts. Whether it’s a deep breath or a moment of serenity, she finds me and I get through it.

I believe in heaven. I believe that our spirit goes on to a better place. I have been brought up to know this is true, but once Gram passed away, I experienced it first hand. I don’t know how to explain it other than I could feel her around me the days after she left us. The world was a little more quiet and peaceful. The sorrow was there, sure, but there was something comforting that I could feel in my body that told me she was with me.

Gram and I used to do a lot together. We were very close. I have memories of spending evenings in her kitchen eating dinner, and listening to music. I was always curious about what it was like to be her when she was my age. I used to ask her if she ever went out dancing, and she would smile and say yes. I used to make her do the jitterbug for me in her kitchen. She would laugh until her breath was caught in her throat. “Pennies from Heaven” was a song we used to play.

In the days after her death, something strange happened to me. Every where I turned there were pennies. I don’t mean the random lucky penny that you find at your feet, or one in the bottom of your purse. I am talking every place I looked. Near my toothbrush, on my desk, in my car and even sprinkled down hallways. I knew it was her. I never told anyone about it, because I didn’t want anyone to convince me that it was my imagination.

I would give anything to have her here with me. I would give anything for just one more conversation on her couch. One more cup of tea. One more sandwich or extra helping of food that I never had time for. One more talk about the future.

I never thought I would find true love like this and she always kept me searching for it. She never got to meet Brian, and that breaks my heart a little every time I think of it. Sometimes, I smile and think that maybe she sent me to him.

Grandma Esther is on my mind so much these past few weeks. I wish she could be here with me this weekend, at my shower. I wish she could see the wedding dress that I picked. I wish she could see me dance with her son, my Dad. I wish she could do the jitterbug on the dance floor at my wedding reception. I wish a lot of things.

But I can feel my love for her deep inside my heart. I can’t feel her presence around me like I used to, but I know she is there.

I know this because lately, there are pennies every where…