all the pieces

Today is a weird day. I have had a few different things run through me. I've been angry, happy, scared and excited. I also cried once before lunch because I was feeling so frustrated. It's been a roller coaster of a day.

Okay. I'm admitting it only once! I think I might be morphing into a bit of a bridezilla. I didn't think that it could happen, but oh yes, it has started to come into fruition.

Last night, I walked into the apartment to find two humungous boxes full of 225 UPS'ed invitations from Lauren Franklin. She had them all wrapped up in these gorgeous white boxes with maroon silk ribbons wrapped around them. She even included a gift for me in a silk box because it is, "something special that she likes to do and the box is known to make a fabulous jewelry box." It really was the most beautiful and exciting package I had ever opened...

Until I got all of the pieces out on my coffee table.

Then I realized... hmm... I need to have all of these envelopes printed, buy a ridiculous amount of postage (including international), stuff and mail them by April 26th. In case you hadn't noticed, that is next Saturday.

So, in good stressed-out-bride fashion, I head to my restaurant with Brian to drown my sorrows in a bowl of Linguini with White Clam Sauce. In the process, I drank two full glasses of Salice Salentino. This was all a half hour before heading to our marriage preparatory classes in the Bronx. Good idea? I'm not sure if bumping to Dr. Dre and feening for a cigarette before going to Church is ever a good idea, but it did take the edge off.

Poor Brian just looks at me and laughs, and tells me to relax. But there are just times where I sit and say to myself... "How can I relax when I am the only one really doing anything?!"

It's easy to ask for help, and people have offered, but the only person I really trust whole heartedly with this kind of thing is my Mom. This is where the distance of Massachusetts to New York become a real disaster for me. When I really just need my Mom to be here in front of me. But that is a whole 'nother issue...

Today, I sent Brian to weigh one invitation at the post office and we realized it is going to cost more in postage than we had originally budgeted for. (Surprise!) Also, the wonderful woman behind the counter let me know that my invitations to Ireland, England and Guatemala cannot have a return postage on the RSVP because their respective countries will not accept our postage to mail them back. So, basically, our guests need to buy their own postage. How shiteous is that?!

Yeah... it made me cry. It's so fabulously ridiculous, but I seriously just welled up my fists and started to cry. Right here in my stupid little box of a cube.

One may think to themselves, what is the big friggin deal? The girl has amazing invitations that need to be put together and mailed out. Why is that such a stressor?

I have no clue why it is such a stressor, but I can tell you one thing... I have a serious issue with giving other people things to do, especially with the wedding. Even if someone is doing something for me, I have to continuously check-up on it until it is done. I need instant gratification. It is a total perfectionist thing. (Thanks, Mom.) I think I am finally admitting that I am a control freak. I want to do it all myself, because I am afraid that if I don't, it won't be right.

I am like that with almost everything in my life. It even goes for the things I most fearful of, the things I cannot control. I want to try to protect everything and everyone I love for fear of something happening to them, and to keep them safe. There are even times that I have told Brian, "If we just don't leave this house ever again, we might be alright." But you learn to not be afraid, and to loosten the grip a little. And things are always fine.

So, do I think that anyone will notice if the white silk ribbon on the outside of the invitation is perfectly horizontal? No. But for some reason, its very important to me what the final product will be for everything. I don't want anything half-assed. Like, "Uh oh. The ribbon is crooked. Typical Morgan." It's all like a big test for me that I desperately want to pass, but I feel like I have no idea what I am doing. It is what makes my heart pound and my mood sky rocket from normal to super bitch in 1.5 seconds.

I am trying my best to take deep breaths and actually trust someone else to do things for me. My good friend Charo has graciously taken on the task of getting my wedding envelopes to a printer in Connecticut, who she knows and trusts. Brian actually took the daunting task of going and getting the postage for the invitations. Now... I need to find the courage to allow other people to come and sit on my living room floor, drink some wine with me, and get these goddamn invitations together and out of my sight.

So, I took the night off tonight from the restaurant. I am exhausted and its showing. My friend Lori is going to cover for me so that I can get a mani and pedi, and maybe even hop in a tanning bed. (Yes, its horrible, but something about that little tanning booth picks me up and makes me feel amazing.) I just want to have the luxury of curling up on my couch with a good book, a cup of Chamomile tea, my favorite Yankee Candle burning, listening to Ella Fitzgerald on my iPod. I might even let Brian get underneath the covers with me. We'll see how it goes.

I hate to say this, but I can't wait until this is all over. I feel so guilty saying that and yes, I am going to enjoy the most meaningful parts of all of it, but I can't wait until I can stop obsessing over stupid, meaningless things like the fact that the silk organza chair sashes may not match the exact hue of the bridesmaid gowns.

It's time for me to get back to being me, and I really can't take it too much longer.