Getting My Libra Up

*TAP, TAP!*

"This thing on?  Hello long lost readers and friends.  I am starting a new blog... and will no longer be posting here.  If you are interested in feasting your eyes on this fantastic work of art and having a giggle or two while you are at it, please email me at morganlane608@gmail.com so that I can share it with you.  Thank you and have a great day!"

*CRICKETS*

Deliciousness

Okay... so enough with the melodrama. Let's move on to more important things...

Like these cheeks.

I can't even begin to tell you how many times a day I kiss this face.  I smoosh my face into her neck, under her delightful rolls and listen to her little chuckles.

Sometimes she laughs so hard, that she gets the hiccups.  She loves it when I sing to her.  Most specifically, the Itsy Bitsy Spider.  Her favorite part is raising her arms over her head, and the anticipation of the rain washing the poor spider away... 

She loves her toes, sucks diligently on her thumb and loves to cuddle her elephant.  The past week, she has become keen on the fact that if she makes enough noise, she will get my attention.  So, this has resulted in her doing a fake, dramatic cough.  It's great!  She gets all red and pushes out a few *cough, cough, coughs*.  I can't do much but laugh... And give her raspberries on her tummy and give her all the attention she needs.

She is also super curious.  She takes her time to study things.  She can be very serious... She really makes you work for a giggle.  Mostly, she just likes to watch what is happening around her.  But she loves to see colors, touch new textures and absolutely adores watching children play. 

Sometimes I wonder how I got so lucky to get such a good little girl.  She sleeps, she eats, she smiles and laughs.  She even cuddles...

And let me tell you, hugs and snuggles from this little lady is beyond heavenly.  Just being wrapped up in her delicious scent and her chubby littlle arms wrapped around me is enough to send me to the moon and back.  I love her more than I could have ever imagined.  Each day just gets more fun... 

Three Glasses Later...

I just walked into the apartment and am sitting on our comfy couch. I had three glasses of wine with my fellow waitresses (my biatches) while waiting for an asshole to finish his goddamn soup and wine after the entire restaurant had emptied out.

Surprisingly, as irritating as it was waiting for this pain-in-our-asses to finish slurping his soup, I had a really incredible night.

The three of us girls, different but yet the same in so many ways, sat at the counter and shared our birth stories of our children. Maybe it was the late hour and our need to talk to make the clock turn faster. Maybe it was the Cabernet, or that our boss let us keep pouring... but the stories were in depth and heartfelt. I felt like a member of a club that I never knew existed.

It was kind of like, I will show you mine if you show me yours...

I finally opened up and let these women know what I had experienced with my birth with Rose. I've never really talked about it before, besides with immediate family. The horror of what happened to my baby and my body. But... These were women that I respect and admire. I finally said outloud what I had gone through. And to my surprise, they just listened. They didn't interrupt or give me advice or judge. They just... listened. And it really just felt so good to know that I was in a safe place, saying what I had to say.

I will admit, sometimes I think that the world revolves around me. I assume that people know the details of my life and what is happening in it. I just automatically think that people know the battles that I have fought in the past, and think... well, they will understand why I didn't show up. Or they will understand why I didn't call or text. Or they will understand why I have been so distant... Because I am healing.

And then I remember, that people don't truly know things unless you decide to say your version of the truth outloud. No one really knows what you are going through, unless you verbalize it. After three glasses of wine, I had diarrhea of the mouth, and was talking and talking about what I had experienced. Partly, because I wanted to justify why I was still distant and partly because I was still trying to build myself up, and wanting reassurance that I am okay...

I'm coming up on my thirtieth birthday, and it is kind of fucking with me a bit. It is a milestone in my life, albeit a young one... but still a marker that I am aging and growing. Part of me feels as though I am still learning and struggling to get where I want to be.

I still have my pride. I have survived a lot of things. I know that I still have an entire life to live. The good thing about turning thirty, (and being a Wife and a Mother) is that I finally have the courage to be selective. I can finally look at my life and rearrange it without giving it a second thought. Kind of the "Fuck You, Fuck You, Fuck You, You're Cool" method. I'm not afraid to stick my finger into someone's face and let them know... You don't fit here anymore.

I have a Husband. I have a Daughter.

Those two beings phenomenally important things to me, and belong to me. Every day I wake up, my feet hit the ground and I run towards the next adventure with them. That is all that matters to me. When I close the front door at night, I am wrapped in the arms of my Husband and my Daughter... and all is completely right with the world.

The Truth Shall Set You Free

Just when I think I've figure it all out and that I'm getting good at this thing called life... I do something stupid.

Kind of like eat an entire bag of lays potato chips, while the entire house is asleep, and continue to sip my third glass of wine while watching old reruns of "Everybody Loves Raymond." That kind of stupid.

Sometimes, I think to myself... Wow, your a Mom, a wife and you've got it down pat. You keep a clean house, cook, clean, take care of everyone and it's all good.

And then I think... What the hell am I doing?! Does anyone know that I am still seventeen years old and its not appropriate for me to have a baby?!

It's ridiculous. Sometimes I feel like a fraud. I feel like I'm going through the motions and putting on a good show. I surprise myself at times how much I can pull myself together when I feel so tangled inside.

I wonder if I am doing a good job. There's no one here to stroke my ego and put my A+ report card on the fridge. There is no one to hold my hand and praise me for every little thing I do. (Of course, my husband is constantly complimenting and encouraging me. But when you hear it from the same person every day, it starts to become routine.) I want someone, possibly another parent that I love and admire, to tell me that I am doing a good job. That I'm doing it all right.

Sometimes, I get overwhelmed. For example, my cousin came to visit and invited me to go to the zoo with her husband and three young boys. B had to work, so I had to do it alone with Rose. Meaning... I had to drive to the Bronx, a place I never go to. Pack bottles, change Rose in a strange place and go with the flow.

Now, on the surface? You'd never guess how petrified I was. But underneath? I was like a duck treading water. Calm on top and paddling like a crazy person underneath. I get so afraid that I am going to need help and fall apart. But once I took some deep breaths and just focused on the fact that we were making incredible memories with one another, I was okay. I just didn't pay attention to the insecure voices in my head. I just went with it... And guess what? The day was awesome. And Chicken was so easy going and well behaved, as usual. And I made it.

I think it is time for me to start realizing that my life is everything that I make of it. I need to just be confidant and calm and show my daughter that I've got this...

I can't be anything in her eyes but a confidant, strong and good woman. One that she can count on to help her make sense of it all. So, that's what I am working on. I'm working on being a better person so that I can live truthfully. I want to try and do the right thing as much as possible but not take myself too seriously, either.

Mostly, I just want to find a way to finally be proud of myself and forgive myself for all of my old mistakes. I'm getting there.

Settle Down Easy...

B sings this song to our sweet Rose when she is nestled in his arms. She knows the melody, and often takes a deep breath and sighs when she hears it.

I can't even begin to explain how different our day to day world has become. Long story short? Rose has saved us from ourselves and crafted us into something that I never thought we could be. As parents, we are strong and brave. As a couple, we are solid and madly in love.

There are days that the balance is a bit out of wack. There are times when I become unraveled and frustrated, but I try my best to work it out inside of myself instead of burdening anyone else with how I am feeling. That... is a huge improvement. I've always had the tendency to throw my hands up, get angry and crash and burn. As most of all, I would bring anyone I could with me.

I don't care all that much about my battles anymore. There is no problem that is too big that I can't fix. Simple is best. Life has become so precious. Every moment that we spend as a family is full of love and happiness. Is it all perfect? Absolutely not. But we live like each moment is the best. And honestly? I've never felt better about it. I know that life is short and someday... Well, I don't even want to think about it... but it will all be over. So why not enjoy every single second? All bullshit can check itself at the door. That goes for my own and everyone else's.

The guest list in our lives has significantly changed. The people that I talk to and confide in are people that I believe in and help me to be a better person. Mostly, they are people that I feel are good enough to be strong influences in my daughter's life.



Today Rose laughed out loud for the very first time. It came from the bottom of her toes and made such a delicious noise... it brought tears to my eyes. I laughed so hard along with her and held her close to me. The joy I feel every day is overflowing out of me. It's like a drug that you can't bottle... Like a water that I want to pour over myself again and again... The gift of her precious life in our lives just keeps on giving.

Peace

The house is so quiet. I can hear the hum of the ceiling fan through the baby monitor. Brian is out in the city with his brother at the Red Sox vs. Yankee game. I’m here, alone with my thoughts and a never ending glass of cold white wine. My daughter is sleeping peacefully, all bundled up in her bed.

I wish I could bottle up the feeling that I have in my heart right now. There is only one word for it.

Peace.

I can’t remember the last time that I was able to take a moment to just sit and spend a little quality time with my thoughts. I’m marveling at how drastically life has changed around me. In just three short months, my world has turned upside down.

As everyone tells the story, your life completely changes when you have a child to call your own. I met my beautiful daughter on Valentine’s Day. Since then, I have grown and evolved into something that I never thought I could be. I’m a Mother. My heart is full of love and admiration for this perfect little girl that never leaves my side. My mind is heavy at times with thoughts of protecting her and providing the best life I can for her. But, each day is a new adventure. I try to keep it light and fun, never too serious. It’s all about the laughter and enjoying each moment to the fullest. I actually get excited to wake up in the morning because I know that her beautiful face will smile back at me.

Sometimes I hold her tight and just smell her… It’s like I could drink her. Her skin is so soft and her arms nestle into me. When I nurse her, her tiny hands caress my neck and chest, as if to tell me she loves me and make me feel good. She has gotten so big! Her big blue eyes look right into mine, with long, gorgeous eyelashes. She responds to me with coos and big, toothless grins. She loves music and loves to be sung to.

Most of all, she is just gorgeous. I can say it with all of the pride in the world… We made a beautiful baby. I like to tell Brian that our love was so powerful, it split into a third. And each day we sit and marvel at her and the brilliance she brings to our world…

As of Monday, I became a stay-at-home Mom. I resigned from my position, much to my co-workers’ surprise and disappointment. I never thought the day would come. The decision was a difficult one to make, but we went with what felt right in our hearts. As it turns out, I will be working evenings at the restaurant. My husband will be here to put our baby girl to sleep every night. The days will be my time with Rose and I will be able to raise her and be with her.

I’m eternally grateful that it has turned out this way, but it is certainly bittersweet. There are times that I feel lost and that I am still getting my bearings. It is a new challenge for us to manage our time together. We have so many things to look forward to and continue to work as hard as possible to make the best life we can. We have big dreams and they are slowly coming to fruition.

It’s amazing how I can sit back and look at how our lives have altered. I can sit back and say I have a family. One that we created from true love and big expectations for one another. I never thought I could feel so much love. At the end of the day, my entire universe is here under this roof with the two people that I love and admire more than I could ever express. It feels so good.

Chicken, Chicken, Chicken...

I've finally forced myself to sit down and put some thoughts together about this new world of mine.  I'm sipping a cup of decaffinated coffee - that I have now warmed up for the third time.  My daughter is sleeping in her swing (thank God for small miracles) and the windows are wide open.  It is a beautiful, clear day outside.  After all the work to get her to finally close her eyes and rest, I can't wait for her to wake up so that I can dress her up and take her out for a walk like we do together every day.

It is so hard to believe that it has been two months since she arrived in our lives.  I heard that time flies once you have children, but I didn't realize how true that was.  Each day blends into the next.  The hours go so quickly.  It's all about keeping her happy, cuddled, warm and comfortable.  Our apartment has become a different place.  It's become a home with blankets and toys that jingle.  I find myself humming lullabies instead of songs.  My head is filled with daydreams of things to come and memories to make.  I never thought I could feel so full.  The love I have in my heart is the kind I've always searched for and never knew existed. 

Being a mother is everything you hear it's going to be.  The whole hard work, no sleep, life changed forever thing.  Sure, it can be somewhat daunting at times.  I had one night where I stood in the middle of our living room, in the midst of a complete disaster of an apartment, a screaming newborn baby, hadn't showered in a day or two and was so sleep deprived that I just cried and cried and cried.  It felt so damn good to have a big, huge, sobbing outburst.  I wasn't sure I could do it.  I thought I had bitten off more than I could chew and that motherhood just wasn't for me.  How do I do this?  And then... I realized I just had to get over it and go with the flow. 

I can't have a perfect apartment, a good hair day and a smiling baby all at the same time.  I can have it all, just not all at once.  I am still me.  I still have good instincts and I know that I can trust myself to make a good life for this little person.  I have more love to give her than she will ever need and at this point, that is what keeps me going.  My love for her. 

I think that one of the best things that Rose has taught me so far is to have patience and to trust my instincts.  I have to let other people in to help and I can't control everything.  I'm going to make mistakes and I know that.  We are still getting to know one another.  The adventure of it all is pretty phenomenal.  Just when I think I might not make it, she looks up at me and smiles her big, toothless grin at me and looks right through me with those piercing blue eyes of hers.  Then I'm a goner.   

It's hard to believe how different life is now.  Brian and I shared a date the other night while my Mom was in town.  Over a glass of wine, we just kind of looked at each other and said hello.  It felt so good.  Kind of like a first date all over again.  We found ourselves talking about nothing but our new family.  It's hard to remember what we did with our time before our girl came along.  The easiest way to explain it is that it feels like she has always been here.  It isn't that drastic of a change in our eyes.  Sure, our schedules have changed a bit and there is less time to take a nap whenever we feel like it.  But for the most part, life has become so much more phenomenal.  Our eyes are wide open like we are seeing it through her eyes.  I can't wait to show everything to her and teach her what a beautiful world it is that we live in together. 

B had such a great analogy for being new parents... "It's kind of like a power outage.  There is no light but you feel your way around in the dark.  You know where everything is and where to find the candles.  And once those candles are lit, it really isn't so bad after all.  It's actually kind of exciting."  And truth be told?  I've never been more thrilled to get out of bed in the morning knowing that my little girl is waiting for me to pick her up, hold her and sing to her.