Chicken, Chicken, Chicken...

I've finally forced myself to sit down and put some thoughts together about this new world of mine.  I'm sipping a cup of decaffinated coffee - that I have now warmed up for the third time.  My daughter is sleeping in her swing (thank God for small miracles) and the windows are wide open.  It is a beautiful, clear day outside.  After all the work to get her to finally close her eyes and rest, I can't wait for her to wake up so that I can dress her up and take her out for a walk like we do together every day.

It is so hard to believe that it has been two months since she arrived in our lives.  I heard that time flies once you have children, but I didn't realize how true that was.  Each day blends into the next.  The hours go so quickly.  It's all about keeping her happy, cuddled, warm and comfortable.  Our apartment has become a different place.  It's become a home with blankets and toys that jingle.  I find myself humming lullabies instead of songs.  My head is filled with daydreams of things to come and memories to make.  I never thought I could feel so full.  The love I have in my heart is the kind I've always searched for and never knew existed. 

Being a mother is everything you hear it's going to be.  The whole hard work, no sleep, life changed forever thing.  Sure, it can be somewhat daunting at times.  I had one night where I stood in the middle of our living room, in the midst of a complete disaster of an apartment, a screaming newborn baby, hadn't showered in a day or two and was so sleep deprived that I just cried and cried and cried.  It felt so damn good to have a big, huge, sobbing outburst.  I wasn't sure I could do it.  I thought I had bitten off more than I could chew and that motherhood just wasn't for me.  How do I do this?  And then... I realized I just had to get over it and go with the flow. 

I can't have a perfect apartment, a good hair day and a smiling baby all at the same time.  I can have it all, just not all at once.  I am still me.  I still have good instincts and I know that I can trust myself to make a good life for this little person.  I have more love to give her than she will ever need and at this point, that is what keeps me going.  My love for her. 

I think that one of the best things that Rose has taught me so far is to have patience and to trust my instincts.  I have to let other people in to help and I can't control everything.  I'm going to make mistakes and I know that.  We are still getting to know one another.  The adventure of it all is pretty phenomenal.  Just when I think I might not make it, she looks up at me and smiles her big, toothless grin at me and looks right through me with those piercing blue eyes of hers.  Then I'm a goner.   

It's hard to believe how different life is now.  Brian and I shared a date the other night while my Mom was in town.  Over a glass of wine, we just kind of looked at each other and said hello.  It felt so good.  Kind of like a first date all over again.  We found ourselves talking about nothing but our new family.  It's hard to remember what we did with our time before our girl came along.  The easiest way to explain it is that it feels like she has always been here.  It isn't that drastic of a change in our eyes.  Sure, our schedules have changed a bit and there is less time to take a nap whenever we feel like it.  But for the most part, life has become so much more phenomenal.  Our eyes are wide open like we are seeing it through her eyes.  I can't wait to show everything to her and teach her what a beautiful world it is that we live in together. 

B had such a great analogy for being new parents... "It's kind of like a power outage.  There is no light but you feel your way around in the dark.  You know where everything is and where to find the candles.  And once those candles are lit, it really isn't so bad after all.  It's actually kind of exciting."  And truth be told?  I've never been more thrilled to get out of bed in the morning knowing that my little girl is waiting for me to pick her up, hold her and sing to her.