The Truth Shall Set You Free

Just when I think I've figure it all out and that I'm getting good at this thing called life... I do something stupid.

Kind of like eat an entire bag of lays potato chips, while the entire house is asleep, and continue to sip my third glass of wine while watching old reruns of "Everybody Loves Raymond." That kind of stupid.

Sometimes, I think to myself... Wow, your a Mom, a wife and you've got it down pat. You keep a clean house, cook, clean, take care of everyone and it's all good.

And then I think... What the hell am I doing?! Does anyone know that I am still seventeen years old and its not appropriate for me to have a baby?!

It's ridiculous. Sometimes I feel like a fraud. I feel like I'm going through the motions and putting on a good show. I surprise myself at times how much I can pull myself together when I feel so tangled inside.

I wonder if I am doing a good job. There's no one here to stroke my ego and put my A+ report card on the fridge. There is no one to hold my hand and praise me for every little thing I do. (Of course, my husband is constantly complimenting and encouraging me. But when you hear it from the same person every day, it starts to become routine.) I want someone, possibly another parent that I love and admire, to tell me that I am doing a good job. That I'm doing it all right.

Sometimes, I get overwhelmed. For example, my cousin came to visit and invited me to go to the zoo with her husband and three young boys. B had to work, so I had to do it alone with Rose. Meaning... I had to drive to the Bronx, a place I never go to. Pack bottles, change Rose in a strange place and go with the flow.

Now, on the surface? You'd never guess how petrified I was. But underneath? I was like a duck treading water. Calm on top and paddling like a crazy person underneath. I get so afraid that I am going to need help and fall apart. But once I took some deep breaths and just focused on the fact that we were making incredible memories with one another, I was okay. I just didn't pay attention to the insecure voices in my head. I just went with it... And guess what? The day was awesome. And Chicken was so easy going and well behaved, as usual. And I made it.

I think it is time for me to start realizing that my life is everything that I make of it. I need to just be confidant and calm and show my daughter that I've got this...

I can't be anything in her eyes but a confidant, strong and good woman. One that she can count on to help her make sense of it all. So, that's what I am working on. I'm working on being a better person so that I can live truthfully. I want to try and do the right thing as much as possible but not take myself too seriously, either.

Mostly, I just want to find a way to finally be proud of myself and forgive myself for all of my old mistakes. I'm getting there.