Booze Bag

Not a good morning for me.

I went out with one of my best girlfriends for dinner last night and drank way too much wine. I was living in the moment. We had a much needed deep conversation about our lives. We don’t see each other often and usually catch up over drinks and a fancy dinner. It is just the way that we like to do things. Before I knew it, we had been chatting for four hours and had drunk two bottles of wine. Blame it on the caliber of conversation, my boss who likes to keep on pouring or my total lack of self-control but…I am totally feeling the Irish guilt this morning.

I woke up feeling pretty darn awful with a slamming headache. My husband looked at me with eyebrows raised, asking if I had a good time. I think my smeared eyeliner, dry heaves and booze stench spoke for me.

I am tired of getting out of control when I sit behind a drink. It’s almost like I come completely undone when alcohol is involved. I am always the quickest drinker. I’m always the first one ordering a second cocktail before anyone else. And I am also the one forgetting things I say or doing things that I cringe about the next day. It is never one drink, its three.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I want to change. I’ve made significant efforts with my eating choices. I made it to the gym to work out twice this week, so far. That is more than I have done for myself in six months. I’m now feeling as though I sabotaged myself. I mean, seriously, what a fraud. I boast about being healthy, losing weight, staying in shape and I am an undercover booze bag when no one is watching.

I keep hoping that I will grow out of it. I don’t want to feel the need to drink copious amounts of alcohol when I am out. I hate that if I have one drink, I have three. It isn’t becoming and it certainly isn’t how I want to be thought of. A heavy drinker? Gross.

I’m trying not to lose sight of all of the positive energy that I have had around me the past few days. I want to keep the momentum and keep going forward with the new choices I have been making and get myself on track. As a wise woman once told me, “When in doubt, just take the next small step.” I need to keep my promise to myself and just keep my drinking under control. It's becoming very apparent that alcohol and I are just not meant to be.