Hindsight is Always 20/20

I’ve always loved my brother…and sometimes I wonder if he knows how much. Growing up I wasn’t a good sister. It is so hard to even say that sentence a loud in my head, let alone write it down on a piece of paper, but every word is true.

The regret follows me every day and I wish I could take it all back or just press rewind. I don’t think I could do or say anything to make things right. When I think about our past, it brings me a hole in my chest and a pit in my stomach. I think about times in his life that I should have been more present. I should have been more of a support system and more of a guiding light in his life.

We went through ups and downs in our childhood. Our parents were divorced when I was fifteen and he was only eight. My coping skills left me scrambling for places to escape to. That left me hanging out with people that felt the same pain and could teach me new methods to run with. I found myself lost in the world of drugs and alcohol. Late nights sitting by a bonfire, drinking and talking until early hours of the morning. I partied hard, broke rules and became angry.

I left my family. I lost and hurt very close friends. People that truly loved me walked out of my life because they couldn’t stand to be part of it anymore. I don’t remember a single sober day in my high school career after seventeen. Eventually, I was in and out of boyfriends and lost a lot of respect for myself in the process. The selfishness of my progression left me alone, addicted, pregnant and broke. My life was in shambles.

In the meantime, there was a young man that needed me and I wasn’t there for him. I was so caught up in my own bullshit, that I left him to fend for himself.

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about him. I'm so grateful that he is the man he has turned out to be. I'm proud of him. I want to be closer to him. I want to be his confidant. I know that I don’t have the privilege of waltzing into his life and asking him to forgive me for the lost time or my selfish and destructive ways. Mostly I wonder how he sees me. I wonder if he knows that the woman I am now is the woman that I was always meant to be. I want to share this person with him. I did not intend to abandon him. I didn’t intend to push everyone away and close the door on the only thing I had left to hang on to, the one person that needed me the most, my little brother.

When I am with him, I light up inside. The smallest text message, phone call or conversation makes my day. I’ve seen him protect me and come to my defense before. He always hugs and kisses me and tells me that he loves me. There are times that I just want to sit with him and tell him everything. Tell him that I never meant to hurt him.

I hope and pray that someday our connection will strengthen. That he will be a good Uncle to my children and teach them what it means to be good brothers and sisters to one another. In the meantime, I admire him from a far hoping he knows that I want to give him all I’ve got.

Check out my brother's musical talent at: www.myspace.com/mikeseepz