Forgiven

I’ve been thinking a lot about how time changes us. How priorities and people change. How we grow and age and want new things.

I remember being young and careless. I didn’t have time for family or for staying home and enjoying the people closest to me. It was about partying, loud music, beer and weed. Outdoor concerts and road trips. Drunken house parties and making out.

Now, it is about good friends, adult conversations and cocktails. Making a special recipe for dinner and eating it by candlelight. Matching fabrics to curtains and placemats to kitchen tables.

All of the dialed calls on my phone are to my immediate family, not to transient acquaintences. I speak to my family on a daily basis. I never forget a birthday and find ways to buy the most thoughtful presents I can. I fill my calendar with nights of true friends, good restaurants and expensive wine. I find myself getting lost in well written books and behind my camera lens to try and remember it all.

And just when I think it has all gone to shit and lose hope, I wake up and look around me… rejuvenated and happy. I am so grateful for the life I am living and who I have let into it. It’s become time to change.

We are moving into a new, bigger place in August. Something more grown-up and suited to our new goals. A place with new countertops where I can proudly display my Kitchen Aid mixer and Cuisinart coffee pot. And surprisingly, a place with more bedrooms to shelter the pattering of little feet.

I used to be scared of being an adult. Scared that I could never be a Mother. I was frightened of accountability because of how many mistakes I’ve made in the past. I’ve betrayed hearts, made mistakes, told lies and broken laws. I’ve experimented with mind altering substances, had a nervous breakdown and have been afraid that my heart may not keep beating through the night. I’ve been back and forth and to hell and back.

I’m finally proud of who I am. I am finally standing on my own two feet, my head out of the clouds and wearing my self-forgiveness on my sleeve. It’s time to bring myself to the next bold move. I never thought I would say it… never thought I’d get here so soon… But I am ready to start a family. I’m ready to grow some roots and fill up a dining room table with little people that are pieces of me and my husband. I want to make cool people like me who like to travel, speak different languages, read good books and know how to forgive themselves and remember what is most important.