I don’t know what it is lately, but I can’t seem to keep a straight thought in my head. I’m feeling pretty rotten about myself. My hair is short, my jeans are tight (Fatty ate herself five pounds heavier this past week and a half. Hello OFW!), my summer tan lines are completely faded and I am feeling pretty darn sad and introspective. I’m hoping it’s a case of the winter blues.
Last night, after I got home from working at the Trat, B and I got in bed to do our daily (though now sometimes bi-weekly) reading. He was reading his chapter out loud and I was completely distracted. I couldn’t help but glance around the room at our wedding photos and get caught up in it. I feel sometimes like life is moving faster than I want it to. It’s freaking me out.
“Doesn’t it feel like it was so long ago?” Brian stopped reading mid-sentence and peered up over the page and raised his eyebrows at me, “Are you even listening to me reading?” I sighed. “Yes… mutual funds. Got it. But seriously, doesn’t the wedding seem like it happened forever ago?” He looked at me and said, “No, honey. It was only six months ago. It feels like yesterday to me.”
I’ve always had this knack of making things seem worse than they are. I always play things over in my head and making myself feel as though I am living life as a forty-year-old when I am only twenty-seven. I am always telling stories of “remember when”. I live in the past a lot and I hate it. I hate having such a long memory of times when I was not making good decisions. Times I am ashamed of and keep bringing them into my head.
When I was home for the holidays, I found myself taking in every moment as if it were my last. Every meal, every sip of wine, every hug and every conversation. It was like I was trying to savor every moment with every person.
I get scared sometimes, being so far from home. I don’t like to call Massachusetts “home” because home is where my husband is. That would be New York. New York is my home. But I do get scared sometimes. I get frightened when we get on the Mass Pike to head back home to New York. I feel a pit in my stomach that I won’t see my Mom or Dad or Brother for another few months. I often wonder what I would do if something was to happen to one of them.
At times… I think that I don’t deserve to be this happy. That if I am this happy, there will be a trade off somehow. I know it’s so pessimistic. It’s just the way I rationalize the fact that I have a life that has appeared out of my wildest dreams. And while I should just appreciate every moment, I find myself longing for an explanation. I don’t want any more surprises. I just have so many questions and so many fears. It’s not good.
When I sit at home in our apartment I know it is where I belong. The long nights of talking over wine by candlelight, the dinners cooked over our vintage stove, long movies with bowls of popcorn on our squishy couch, long drives house dreaming by the water, home cooked meals with friends.
I wake up every day and pick out a cute outfit for work. I smile politely at my husband and kiss him good-bye. I head out to the monotony of my day at the office. I play interesting music while sitting at my desk to help soothe the lack of inspiration in my day to day bustle. I feel like I am just going through the motions.
It’s just a blur. It’s moving so fast… and I feel like I need to slow it down a bit. Just to stop and stare and to find out where I went wrong. Somewhere along the way I lost myself a little bit. I wouldn’t trade all the broken hearted times and the mistakes and the educational drugs that got me here. But I’ve let myself down a bit. I am not holding up my end of the bargain with myself.
In 2009, it’s time to go after what it is that I am meant to do in this world. I have finally figured out what that is but the obstacle is trying to find the means to make it happen.
I’ve had a bit of a lucky streak the past week. I’ve decided to ride on its skirt tails and make a good go out of it. I won a pair of tickets from 107.1 the Peak. B and I are going into the city tonight to listen to Government Mule play some darn good music. I’m looking forward to the night out in the city.
I never tire of being in Manhattan and feeling the energy of it. It always gives me a bit of perspective. I’m looking forward to spending some down time with my husband. There is nothing like gazing up at those skyscrapers and city lights. I’m going to rock out stoned with the love of my life. Hearing the hum of the city always reminds me how far I’ve come to get here… and how much further I’ve got to go.
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