The OFW

When I'm happy, I'm skinny. When I'm troubled, I get fat. It's always been that way. Blame it on genetics or blame it on watching my Mom always be an emotional eater. I eat when I am upset, stressed, depressed, bored or anxious.

The past few weeks I have been slowly eating my way back to gaining a few pounds. I knew it was happening because I could feel it. Not to mention, I could hear the floor boards creaking extra loudly wherever I step. Laying in bed, I felt like I was taking up too much space.

So... I got on the dreaded scale on Monday morning- no clothes on and no food in my belly. And there was the dreaded proof. Dun dun dun. I gained. Not like I was expecting anything else, but when I saw it... I literally gasped out loud.

Brian heard me from the bedroom. "Honey? What's the matter?" "Nothing," I mumbled and jumped off the digital scale before he could see the numbers between my feet. Thank God we have different settings on the scale, because he never really gets to see how much I weigh. Unless, I show him of course. But that's a rareity. That's only when I have become skinny enough in my head to get some real praise.

There's nothing like a clap, a cheer, or a free keychain to make you feel good...Which brings me back to my Dub-Dub (Weight Watchers) days.

When Brian and I first moved to New York, I was Chubby McChubster. My horrible Colorado days helped me plunk on about thirty-five pounds of misery weight. It wasn't until we moved to New York and started spending time in the city people watching, that I realized I was fatter than most of them. I couldn't fit into most of the hip clothes that I saw people rocking out and I certainly couldn't sit on a bar stool without adjusting the waist of my jeans every five seconds to help conceal my gut. It was time for a change.

The first time, B and I did a diet together. After the first month, B lost 22 pounds and I lost 2. I was furious! My Mom is the one that finally told me to go to Dub-Dub. When I got on the scale that first meeting, I was in utter shock at what I saw on the scale. I was determined. After that first week of following the strict rules I went back and saw a four pound drop on the scale. I was hooked. Three years later I am still without the thirty-five pounds.

There is a good and bad side to Dub-Dub. If you follow the program correctly, you will always be thin and healthy. You see the results and feel it. Not to mention you learn to watch what you eat. Even though I have been off Dub-Dub for three years, I still see my entire day of eating in calculation of points.

It is truly a never-ending battle. I am constantly checking Hungry Girl for food finds and recipes, Real Simple mag for easy dinners. I spend nights parading the aisles of Stop & Shop for new Lean Cuisines and low calorie snack tricks.

Which brings me to the bad side. I truly believe that Dub-Dub has made me self-conscious for life. Sure, it is a good thing because I will never allow myself to be that weight again. It is a bad thing because I am never able to eat without feeling emotional about it before or afterward. You know how some people feel guilt about cheating, drugs or alcohol? Me... its a bad choice of food. Indulging in a big plate of nachos or giving into a helping of dessert can actually make me lose sleep at night. No joke.

I have a five pound limit. If I jump on my scale and see I have gained? Dub-Dub time off the hook. My girl Julie fondly calls this OFW or Obessive Food Watch. I am on such an OFW right now its not even funny. Even as I am typing this, I am thinking about the fact that I may have to go out for dinner with Dawn & Patrick tonight and am trying to figure out a way to figure out what I can eat and what I can't before I get there.

It's bad.