Cooked

40 Weeks

So here we are.  Four days away from my official guess date.  I've become accustomed to waking up every morning with butterflies in my stomach, wondering if today will be the day.  I've tried every old wives tale to try and convince the baby to begin it's journey.  Nothing seems to be working.  Spicy foods, long walks, making love to my husband... nothing.  This baby is stubborn and comfy.  For my own selfish reasons, I want the baby to hurry up and get here.  But part of me likes the idea that the baby will come when it is good and ready.  I'm not about to do anything to disrupt that... especially since the baby is so safe.

I had my first little scare the other day.  On Thursday morning, we had our weekly appointment at the birth center.  The midwife did her normal exam, felt around the baby and listened to the heartrate.  It's funny because every time the baby is poked and felt, he is just not happy about it.  (I am using the pronoun he, only because I don't like to say "it."  It feels strange.  And yes, I do have somewhat of an inkling that we have a boy... but had a vivid dream that we are having a girl...)  For the remainder of the morning and into the afternoon, I was incredibly uncomfortable at work.  So much pressure and tightness.  I was flushed and felt so hot and just not right.  So, I decided to head home.  I thought for sure something was happening... and I was petrified.

It startled me how afraid I was.  I was driving in the car alone, listening to music and trying to stay perfectly calm.  I was talking to my Dad on the phone (I always call my Dad when I need a little calming) was shooting the breeze with him, when all of a sudden the crocodile tears came.  I was blubbering.  "Dad, I'm fine... don't worry... I just need to cry for a second because I am really excited and scared and I don't really know what is going on but don't worrrryyyyy..."  And of course, I gave my dad cardiac arrest and he kept repeating, "Oh my God." 

Looking back at it, it is pretty comical.  But it also made me realize that I have a big job ahead of me.  Being who I am, I don't like the feeling that I will have to let go of all control and just let it happen.  This is going to be a huge accomplishment for me.  I know I can do it.  I'm actually thankful for my little dress-rehearsal nervous breakdown because it opened my eyes to the fact that I am a bit overwhelmed.  I know it is okay for me to feel that way.  I am about to do something huge... something that I can only overprepare for and then go with the flow.  That can feel daunting at times, but I have faith in myself.  I know I can do whatever I set my mind to.

The waiting game is not fun.  Being a true Libra, my impatience is really starting to get the better of me.  I am trying not to rush through the last few days of my pregnancy and just enjoy the opportunity that God has given me to feel and experience what my body was meant to do.  It is just so difficult to not want it to happen.  I keep imagining what the baby will look like and who he or she will be... not to mention, will it be a she or a he?!  The suspense and anticipation of it all is thrilling, overwhelming and somewhat frightening.  I try to picture how different our lives will be together.  I am just riding the wave, knowing that everything is as it should be.

Things have shifted entirely for me.  Life isn't what it was when this all started.  I look back at the last forty weeks of my life and can't believe how much I have evolved.  Relationships with family and friends have really come full circle.  I am at a point in my life where I feel that every single person that we have around us is there for a purpose.  They are all meant to be part of our story in some unique way, and I am so grateful for that.

It has been a learning experience at times.  I've grown up a lot in these months, knowing that it was time to let go of bad habits, negativity and people that just don't get it.  It's been so enlightening to see which people shine brightly when you most need them and which fade away and disappear when you choose a path that is less familiar to them.  It stung a little, but it has been the best gift I could have ever received.  The attachments that I have with those I love the most have been reaffirmed and have become so much stronger.

Speaking of relationships that have become so much stronger, I'd like to mention how incredibly fortunate I am to have the husband that I do.  He is constantly by my side, loving me, encouraging me and making me feel like I am the most beautiful woman to walk this earth.  He thanks me daily for what I am doing for us and our new family.  I smile every day because I am married to my best friend.  I don't know how I ever got so lucky.  Sometimes it scares me... but I have to embrace this time.  I have to accept that life can actually be this good and true and it is okay to welcome it. 

And now... I am waiting to meet this person inside of me that is going to turn our universe upside down.  I just can't wait much longer...