Pushy Broad Hat

The mind is a very powerful thing. And mine seems to be especially difficult to deal with lately. I’m talking about how my imagination always seems to get the better of me.

For as long as I can remember, I have been cursed with the notion that I have to make everyone happy. I am a people pleaser. What can I say? I am my Mother’s daughter. She is the epitome of a people pleaser, to a fault, and often leaves herself for last when making sure everyone else is taken care of.

The people pleasing goes hand-in-hand with the fact that I have incredibly high expectations for myself. If I fall short, I’m disappointed. I always want to make sure that I am doing and saying the things that represent me and my true self the most. My biggest fear is that I am going to be misunderstood or interpreted as someone that I am not.

If I ever hear something negative about myself, I literally crumble. My Grammy Esther used to say to me, “What other people think of you is none of your business. Who cares, really.” I wish I could take those words to heart and just make them law in my life.

This week was a bit of a learning experience for me. In my last post, I explained how I have decided to go au natural when delivering our baby. I was so filled with passion and determination for what I wanted to do, I didn’t really think about the steps that I would have to take to get there.

First of all, I had to break up with my doctor. This wasn’t something I could whine and beg B to do for me. B told me to knock it off and get it done. He told me to put my “Pushy Broad Hat” on and give it a go. I had to take the bull by the horns, call my doctor’s office and explain that I am leaving to transition to care elsewhere.

Can I just begin to explain to you the heart palpitations and sweats I had before making that phone call? I literally was pacing when having the conversation. I sounded so calm and collected over the phone. If you could have seen me, I was like a duck in water. To the naked eye: A serene bird on the top of the water. Underneath: Paddling its feet like a maniac to stay afloat. I was panicked.

To my utter shock and surprise, they were helpful and supportive. They gave me no problems. As a matter of fact, the staff actually told me that they were rooting for me and told me they admired my choice. They want me to go back and visit to tell them how it all goes. That was followed up with, “We are going to miss you. I hope you will come back and see us.” I wasn’t expecting that.

Then I had the daunting task of passing the news along to my Mom, MIL and SIL that certain things have changed about what we want for our birth. I was petrified. These are three women that 1) I respect and admire very much and 2) Are very strongly opinionated.

I didn’t know how to approach them and tell them. So, I did it the way I know best. I hid behind a passive aggressive email to each of them and passed along everything they needed to know. I rounded it out with, “I just have to ask one favor of you. In order for us to go into this confidently, it is really important that we have all of the support and positive enforcement that you can muster up for us.” For my MIL, I was able to whine and complain my way out of that conversation.  B took care of it for me.  Such a good doobie.

Anyway, I waited and waited for the fall out, and a funny thing happened. Everyone was on board, understanding and most of all excited. They were truly pleased that we were taking such a stance to get what we want out of this experience. They all just pledged to be there for whatever we need, whenever we need it.

I am finally starting to feel relieved. The only daunting task I have left? I have to drive to my doctor’s office tomorrow morning, walk in and get my records. That is going to bite the big one. But I know I can do it. I have to do it, that’s really all that there is to say about it. I’m finding that the more I subject myself to what I hate—facing the music and taking care of things myself, I’m becoming more courageous. There truly is nothing to be afraid of.

That is the one thing that I adamantly do not want to pass on to this baby of mine. I do not want them to take on this trait of being a scared of people’s reactions and obsessing over what people think. I want to be a good example of being someone who is brave and strong. No time like the present to start becoming that new person... Even if I will be covered in hives from head to toe while going to get that big manila envelope at my ex- doc’s office tomorrow.