19 weeks
Today I've been reflecting on a lot of things. Mostly, the fact that it has been eight long years since my beautiful Grandmother, Estherina Patricia Siipola, lost her battle to cancer. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of her and wish that she was here with me.
I'm nineteen weeks along in my pregnancy. That's almost five months. I've begun getting things together, organizing and making room. I've come across a few things that remind me of her: my Dad's teddy bear from his childhood, a blessed crucifix that she kept in her bedroom and other knick knacks that I want to keep out in our home so that she's remembered.
This morning, I couldn't sleep. I was up at six on the dot. I felt it would be the appropriate time to clean out my entire closet. (Seriously, the nesting thing? Is in full throttle.) In my nesting stupor, I stumbled across two old shawls and a long, faux fur coat of hers. I sat on the floor with them, remembering the days that I would dress up in them as a little girl. I can honestly tell you, I've never found a reason to wear them. I know that they are just taking up space in my closet but never in my wildest dreams could I part with them.
I miss her. I miss everything about her. Her laugh, her smile, her magenta lipstick and her horrendous parking jobs. I miss her irritating phone calls at all hours of the day. She had such an ability to push food and full course dinners when you weren't remotely hungry. Most of all, I miss how much she loved me. She completely surrounded me with love and affection. It was the kind of unconditional love that we don't realize we are being showered with when we are young.
I sit and quietly think of her so often. More than anything, I wish she could be here to experience my pregnancy with me and meet the man that makes all of my dreams come true. She never got to meet him. I remember vividly, right before our wedding day, I had a dream about her. It was at our wedding. She walked up to our head table with two bowls of chocolate ice cream and asked that I take a walk with her. We sat together and ate and laughed. I told her I was so surprised to see her and asked why she was there. She said she just wanted to share some ice cream with me. I wanted to introduce her to Brian and she said to me, "I know him very well, and I love him so very much." I woke up shortly there after in tears, feeling so much peace and that familiar longing to want to be near her again.
Today, as I sat and thought about her, the strangest thing happened... I felt the baby move for the very first time. At first, I thought it was my imagination. Then I was 100% sure. It completely took my breath away. For a long while, I just sat with a silly expression on my face and in awe of what was happening. I don't know how else to explain it. It felt like popcorn popping in my belly followed by the best butterflies you could ask for. Kind of like the good ones you get when you go fast over a big bump in the road.
I feel so fortunate today. I also feel very overwhelmed with emotion while remembering my Grammy. But most of all, its finally dawning on me that this is all very, very real. There is a baby in my belly. And that little one is making sure that its presence is known and felt.
I love you, Gram. I miss you more than I could ever say.
I'm nineteen weeks along in my pregnancy. That's almost five months. I've begun getting things together, organizing and making room. I've come across a few things that remind me of her: my Dad's teddy bear from his childhood, a blessed crucifix that she kept in her bedroom and other knick knacks that I want to keep out in our home so that she's remembered.
This morning, I couldn't sleep. I was up at six on the dot. I felt it would be the appropriate time to clean out my entire closet. (Seriously, the nesting thing? Is in full throttle.) In my nesting stupor, I stumbled across two old shawls and a long, faux fur coat of hers. I sat on the floor with them, remembering the days that I would dress up in them as a little girl. I can honestly tell you, I've never found a reason to wear them. I know that they are just taking up space in my closet but never in my wildest dreams could I part with them.
I miss her. I miss everything about her. Her laugh, her smile, her magenta lipstick and her horrendous parking jobs. I miss her irritating phone calls at all hours of the day. She had such an ability to push food and full course dinners when you weren't remotely hungry. Most of all, I miss how much she loved me. She completely surrounded me with love and affection. It was the kind of unconditional love that we don't realize we are being showered with when we are young.
I sit and quietly think of her so often. More than anything, I wish she could be here to experience my pregnancy with me and meet the man that makes all of my dreams come true. She never got to meet him. I remember vividly, right before our wedding day, I had a dream about her. It was at our wedding. She walked up to our head table with two bowls of chocolate ice cream and asked that I take a walk with her. We sat together and ate and laughed. I told her I was so surprised to see her and asked why she was there. She said she just wanted to share some ice cream with me. I wanted to introduce her to Brian and she said to me, "I know him very well, and I love him so very much." I woke up shortly there after in tears, feeling so much peace and that familiar longing to want to be near her again.
Today, as I sat and thought about her, the strangest thing happened... I felt the baby move for the very first time. At first, I thought it was my imagination. Then I was 100% sure. It completely took my breath away. For a long while, I just sat with a silly expression on my face and in awe of what was happening. I don't know how else to explain it. It felt like popcorn popping in my belly followed by the best butterflies you could ask for. Kind of like the good ones you get when you go fast over a big bump in the road.
I feel so fortunate today. I also feel very overwhelmed with emotion while remembering my Grammy. But most of all, its finally dawning on me that this is all very, very real. There is a baby in my belly. And that little one is making sure that its presence is known and felt.
I love you, Gram. I miss you more than I could ever say.
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