Shrug it Off

I’ve been having morbid thoughts lately. I am terribly afraid that something is going to happen to my husband.

Part of the problem? I’ve come to the realization that I am living a real and true fairy tale. I’ve married a person that I madly and insanely in love with. And it is mutual. It’s the kind of love that only comes once a lifetime. And boy, do I know how hard it is to find.

Suddenly, I wake up every day with this fear that because I have this gift and because everything is so, so good… that something is going to come and snatch it away.

I know that it is a horrible way to think. I know that I should push those thoughts out of my head and just enjoy every single second. But there are moments when my weakness gets the better of me and I just sit and think…. What if…

Last night, for example. We were home. I just cooked us a delicious dinner of pan seared pork chops topped with Pastor Ryan’s pan seared mushrooms, a side of steamed fresh carrots and baked sweet potatoes.

After dinner, to curb my insatiable wine craving, I decided to indulge a bit a-la-Marijuana style. Usually, being stoned doesn’t work out too well for me. I usually start talking about existentialism and drive everyone around me mad. That or I end up reorganizing my pantry and alphabetizing my spices.

Anyway, I smoked a big doobie with my husband. Before I knew it, I was craving Carvel peanut butter ice cream topped with chocolate jimmies. In order to entice my husband to go out into the eighteen degree weather and get me this goodness, I straddled him and began to whisper sweet nothings in his ear. To my delight, he answered me with the most delicious belly laughter that I could not get enough of.

It was at this point that the thoughts of dread and doom entered my head. Why oh why is it that when I am enjoying my life to the fullest that these thoughts come creeping to the surface? I sat in his lap wide-eyed. As if on cue, he looked at me straight in the eyes and said, “What is going on up there?” I tried to shrug it off and say nothing. He didn’t believe me. He just stroked my hair and talked me off the ledge as usual. It was then that I came to know that I could never, ever be without this man.

Nothing could have prepared me for this kind of love in my life. I didn’t know that my mind or body could do it this way. I know that I have loved before. I’ve loved other men very deeply and sincerely. I’ve been heartbroken and betrayed. I’ve felt that there were one or two that got away. I guess we all do. But one day, when I really gave up and stopped looking for “him” ? He fell right into my lap. He was ready to rescue me and bandage all of the hurts and fix all the past mistakes. And I’m not sure what I did to deserve that…

For me… this is enough. This one life with this one love is all that I could ever need. But the thought of having to go one day without hearing his voice or yell or laugh? It absolutely cripples me. And that is why I am always afraid. I am always afraid something will come and take him away.