Never is a Promise

I spend most of my time behind my desk at work. Literally, most of my waking life is spent behind a desk, working, thinking, solving logistical problems and not talking. I am always swamped with work to the point that I barely remember when to take my lunch break. The highlight of my work day? I listen to music. It’s what keeps me going.

Today, while listening to my Ani DiFranco station on Pandora, I started to reflect. I was listening to Fiona Apple sing “Never is a Promise.” I remember hearing that song while lying in my childhood bedroom. I used to stare at the ceiling at my glow in the dark stars and dream up a universe that I would live my adult life in. Minus the knight in shining armor (that I did miraculously find) it wasn’t much like this. All I need is a memorable song lyric, the twang of Ani DiFranco’s guitar or a good long moment of sitting in silence for it all to come back to me.

Every day, I feel as though I have a mission. Thinking that way helps to make it feel more rewarding to go to work every day. I count the hours until I can go home to my husband. When I walk in the door, I paint on a big smile and tell him how much I accomplished. When in actuality? I just want to grab him and tell him to pack his bags because we are hopping the next plane to Maui.

Don’t get me wrong, I love our life. I love that we are always dreaming and plotting and planning. I love that we are able to sit and look at our savings and say, “Italy is so close!” But it is tough day to day. I get tired of the treadmill of it all. I hate the fact that I spend over sixty hours of my week making money. Most of the time spent with my husband is spent sleeping next to him.

I always get those pangs of entrapment. There are times in the morning where I just want to roll down the windows and keep driving past the office with my music blaring. I’ve never lost that inclination to soar. To move somewhere new every few years and start over. I’ve always wanted to be like Juliette Binoche in Chocolat. How great would it be to find your place in the world based on the direction the wind blows?

I just can’t run anymore… because I am part of something bigger. I’m the part of a whole. I am no longer my own person. Yes, I have my own identity, but it is made up of my promise to stand side by side with someone forever. This definitely hinders my plans to live like a gypsy. I’m no longer a wanderer. Sometimes I feel a bit like a lightning bug in a cage.

This when I tell myself to shut-up, stop complaining and whining… and get the fuck out of dodge. This is precisely what I will do this Friday morning. Boston here I come!

There are a seldom few that know the true timeline of my life. Julie is one of the few. She knows all of my deepest secrets. The good thing is that it is mutual. We could both make a laundry list of things that I am sure the general public should never know about us. We’ve done a lot together. Including breaking the law on a couple of occasions.

Anyway, I’m going to see her this weekend. It’s been a while since I have been with her and had some serious girl time. It’s difficult with her being in Boston and me being here in New York. This visit is going to come at the best time. I need a good getaway to clear my head. I’m looking forward to drinking like a fish, eating good food, dancing like no one is watching and swearing like a sailor. It’s good to get back to my roots and remember that I have a big old soul in there somewhere that still likes to misbehave sometimes. Especially with my favorite girls.