"What Are You Waiting For?"

I woke up today feeling strangely grateful. I drove to work this morning with a smile on my face. As I tapped my fingers to the music streaming from my speakers, I couldn’t help but notice that I had an incredible feeling in my belly. It was like just for that moment, everything was just the way I wanted. Sure, I’d rather be in my bed snoozing or even sipping on a fruity drink with an umbrella in it on a deserted island. But for just one moment I thought… how unbelievably lucky I am.

I am married to my soul mate. I have clothes on my back, food in my fridge, good friends and family. I’m going to be the Maid of Honor in one of my best friend’s wedding. I’m a Godmother of two beautiful babies. I’m a good sister. I’m a supportive daughter. I’m an Aunt to two gorgeous nieces and one charming nephew. I’m a cousin, a sister-in-law, a granddaughter.

I’d do anything for a loyal friend. I’m a good listener and an even better encourager. I give good hugs and could sit and talk for hours about anything. I want to be remembered as the person that is always happy, energetic and could light up a room by being in it.

I’m trying to concentrate on all of the good things that are happening and not the mistakes that I have made in the past. I'm trying to convince myself that I do deserve everything good and that I don't have to pay a lifelong penanace for things I have not been able to forgive myself for. It is so easy to get lost and frustrated.

I feel like I work so hard to only find myself being constantly reminded that I am still struggling. Struggling to make it and struggling to get to the next level. But at the same time, I don't want to rush it away. I know someday I will look into my husband's eyes and wish we were back in our one bedroom townhouse making ends meet. I want to enjoy our times together and not always be waiting for the next leap.

There are so many things I am wishing for lately. I want a house to call my own, a dog and a fancy television. I want to know what it feels like to find out that you are pregnant and be truly thrilled about it. I want to hear children laughing and making a complete raucous in another room, knowing that they are mine. I want to cook family dinners on Sundays and serve it on a gigantic dining room table with my husband, my brothers, my sisters-in-law, my nieces and nephew, and my daughters and sons. I want to dance in my kitchen and drink wine with my husband when the whole world is asleep.

I want to be the absolute best Mother there ever has been. And some day… I want to sit on the deck of my own beach house listening to the shore of the sea remembering all of the pictures of my life, finding comfort in the big , beautiful and unique family I’ve left behind to share all of my stories.

I’m ready.